1. Simon, a 3-foot long Welsh rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United plane after a flight from London landed in Chicago on Tuesday. United apologized for the death of Simon, or, as he was referred to on the next outbound flight, the kosher meal.
2. Yesterday was First Lady Melania Trump’s birthday. Which, to Donald, means depreciation and another year off her trade-in value.
3. According to a new survey, 40% of men have asked their partner to change their pubic hair. “I can honestly say that has never been an issue,” said Jared Fogel.
4. A second parchment copy of the Declaration of Independence has been found in England. “Does it still have that bullshit about all men being created equal?” asked Steve Bannon.
5. Florida state senator Frank Artiles resigned last week after yelling obscenities and racial slurs inside a lounge frequented by lawmakers in the state capital. And, just like that, Fox News has found their Bill O’Reilly replacement.
6. Actor Rob Lowe has taken over the role of Colonel Sanders in KFC’s newest commercials. Rob reportedly got the job because he knew a guy on the inside:
7. A woman visiting Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo Sunday went into labor and gave birth while still on zoo grounds. The baby is doing well and the woman is said to be resting comfortably on a hot rock.
8. According to a ‘Washington Post’ article, White House aides have begun including local news headlines in the daily press clippings provided to President Trump because they are often more favorable. For instance, Timber Trace Elementary’s ‘School Gazette’ called Trump “really, really smart and super, duper tough.”
9. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. You can read more about it in this month’s ‘Medical Journal of Evil.’
10. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman lost half her body weight after undergoing surgery in India. The woman said her goal weight is to not be mistaken for a pyramid.
